Army Man

I’ve been reading Simpsons Confidential by John Ortved. Delving behind the scenes of the making of The Simpsons, it’s absolutely fascinating, particularly when it concentrates on the writers who made the show as funny as it was. Two names stand out: John Schwartzwelder and George Meyer, both of whom stamped their personality and humour on the series.

The book mentions that Meyer produced, and Schwartzwelder wrote for, three issues of a self-published comedy magazine called Army Man.

Sam [Simon] got quite a bit of his writing staff from the list of writing credits in Army Man… In a sense, that little magazine was the father of the show.
- Simpsons Confidential

Quite a claim for what was basically a few photocopied pages of jokes and cartoons.

The only rule was that the stuff had to be funny and pretty short.
- George Meyer

After reading about it, I really wanted to get my hands on a copy. Oh! Thank you internet! You can see scans of all three issues here: Army Man.

It’s rough, and funny, and weird and well worth a read.

And it’s sparked the idea to do something similar. Well… similarly photocopied anyway. So Mr Gus Hughes and I have started work on our own little magazine, with words and pictures and all that good stuff. It’s looking fine in our heads, but we understand that this isn’t good enough and that we need to get some of it on paper. Wish us luck!

The Global Short Story Competition

It’s a monthly short story competition, with a top prize of £100 and a runner’s up prize of £25 every month.

The downside: £5 entry fee.

Still, it’s local (Darlington), it has the backing of Bill Bryson, and it gets entries from around the world. Worth a punt. I just uploaded Them Bloody Kids, which is well below the 2000 word limit. Maybe I’ll get a prize for brevity.

Anyway, if you’re interested: The Global Short Story Competition.

The Two Armies

Stunning preview art by Gus Hughes for… well, we don’t really know what it’s going to be. The Two Armies was written as a short animated screenplay, but maybe it’s a comic, or an illustrated short story, or a set of commemorative coasters. We just don’t know. Still, isn’t this gorgeous? Whatever it is…

Kurt Vonnegut Explains Drama

From Derek Siver’s site

I was at a Kurt Vonnegut talk in New York a few years ago. Talking about writing, life, and everything. He explained why people have such a need for drama in their life.

He said, “People have been hearing fantastic stories since time began. The problem is, they think life is supposed to be like the stories. Let’s look at a few examples.”

“People LOVE that story! This story arc has been written a thousand times in a thousand tales. And because of it, people think their lives are supposed to be like this.

“But the problem is, life is really like this…”

“But because we grew up surrounded by big dramatic story arcs in books and movies, we think our lives are supposed to be filled with huge ups and downs! So people pretend there is drama where there is none.

“That’s why we act like everything that happens to us is such a big deal.

“We’re trying to make our life into a fairy tale.”

Kurt Vonnegut is wise, but I’m not sure about this one. I still feel like I’m halfway through the Cinderella chart right now and I don’t think it’s because I’ve read too many books. Sometimes life is a fairy tale. The main difference is, in real life you can’t expect a happy ending. And I don’t think people do. That’s why the lows hurt so much.

One Page Play

Yay! I  got into the final of the Cambridge Menagerie Theatre One Page Play Competition.

Here’s the play what I wrote:

PAPER SCISSORS STONE

by James Harris 

Two middle-aged MEN face one another. They are smartly dressed, businesslike, powerful.  

They play PAPER, SCISSORS, STONE. 

Each time they play both men make the same sign. Neither man wins a single round.  

Eventually one speaks. 

Mr One           When will this war end? 

Mr Two           We play until it is done. 

Mr One           We are too closely matched. 

Mr Two           Hm. Stalemate. 

Mr One           It would seem. 

Mr Two           Suggestion? 

Mr One           We end with a draw. 

Mr Two           Cease our unending conflict with no winner? 

Mr One           And no loser. 

They consider this. 

Mr Two           No winner? 

Mr One           And no loser. 

Mr Two           Very well. 

Mr One           Shake on it. 

Mr Two proffers his hand for a handshake. 

Mr One brings up “scissors”. He smiles in triumph. Mr Two is aghast. 

END.

Newsjack – showcase for new comedy writing

Newsjack Website

Newsjack is BBC Radio 7’s new topical sketch show, which seeks to comically scrutinise the news, views and issues of the day.

And they have an open submissions policy.

What they’re after:

Regular Features – Part One

We will include stand-alone sketches but are also looking to establish some recurring features, which you can write for:

Your Voice
These Vox Pops (in which we pretend to ask the great British public what they think) are a great opportunity for one-liners or quick jokes.
In the pilot we chose to theme them around MP’s Expenses. In the series we have decided they can be about any prominent news issue. These vox pops will be heard throughout the show.

From the Archive
Every week we delve through the archives and find out how a fictional show from the past covered topical events of their day.

FAQ’s
Miles answers listeners’ letters and emails. These could be topical or just silly, long or short.

Regular Features – Part Two

Celebrity Diary
Try writing a “sneak peak” into the inner thoughts of someone who’s been in the news recently.

A nice opportunity for our cast to do an impressions. e.g. Michelle Obama or Peter Andre’s diary, Joanna Lumley’s blog.

Miles Undercover
Miles does an undercover investigation related to a specific news story, a la Donal MacIntyre

Newsbullet
Newsjack does its own parody version of “youthy” fast-paced, bite sized news such as Newsbeat and 60 second news. Hosted by 1 male and 1 female “youthy” presenters.

Corrections
Another good opportunity for one-liners. At the end of the show these ‘corrections’ pretend to address any mistakes we made in last week’s show.

But don’t let us be prescriptive: you may have characters that you would like to create, a funny movie reviewer or mad royal correspondent, for example.

We would be very happy to include any amusing characters or features that you come up with. And of course, something you come up with could become a regular item in the show.

The submission deadline each week is Monday midday – we will not look at sketches that arrive any later.

The submission deadline for the Vox Pops is later. It allows us to be more topical with those. Please submit these by Tuesday 5PM – we will not look at vox pops that arrive any later.

More info at the website…

Art

(thanks to the credit crunch, this picture is only worth 903 words. Here are the other 97 I owe you…)

I don’t know much about art, but I know what I like. Sausages. I bloody love sausages. I hate art. It’s just pictures and that, innit?

Call me old fashioned, but to me art should be crudely rendered representations of buffalo and large-breasted fertility goddesses drawn on cave walls in crushed-beetle dye and mammoth poo.

Although I do actually admire the work of the Italian renaissance artists, Da Vinci, Michaelangelo, Botticcelli, Pontormo, Bronzino, Campanelle, Fusille, Penne, Rigatoni, Macaroni… um…

…actually I think some of those might be pasta shapes.

Man. Who’s hungry? I fancy a sausage.

Clowns Funny Again – Official

Clowns are funny again – that’s the finding of a wide-ranging inquiry carried out by the Pop Culture Standardisation Commission, the results of which were leaked through a small plastic flower yesterday.

The report was welcomed as a breakthrough by the international clowning community. “For too long now our gaily-painted jackanapes have been shorthand for creepiness, scariness, sadness and perversion”, stated Scoopy, chairman of the Clowning or Capering Organisation. “Finally, audiences can once again titter, guffaw and laugh til they wee at the sight of our members throwing water at one another, tripping over their amusingly-sized shoes or standing silently in a dimly-lit corner of your bedroom at three in the morning.”

In related news, the Commission’s report recommended that stand-up comedians take the place of clowns as the universally-recognised avatar for all that is horrific in the world. “Imagine meeting Stewart Lee in a dark alley, and he just, like, smiles at you – brr!,” said Scoopy, “Or following Jimmy Carr into a storm drain where he cavorts with the bloated corpses of the damned.

“Or Jim Davidson. Just Jim Davidson. Imagine that.”

Alan Moore Splits with Self

The brain of celebrated British comic author Alan Moore has announced that it no longer wishes to be associated with Alan Moore’s body.

“The very label of “Alan Moore’s brain” is, frankly, nonsensical and insulting. I wish henceforth to be known as ‘Nebulorr, virile and vengeful devourer of universes’”, the brain said in a statement released this weekend, continuing: “Or, no, actually I’ve always liked ‘Cyril’. I wish to be known as Cyril and worshipped as a deity and given virgins and lollipops every Thursday evening and I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. Any and all monies generated by the work I have produced in the past can go to Alan Moore’s typing fingers.”

Alan Moore’s body refused to comment beyond flicking two ornately-ringed fingers at its own head, where it is believed the portion of Alan Moore’s brain that intersects with our four-dimensional universe resides.

Alan Moore’s beard successfully separated from the acclaimed author last year, and currently writes The Gambols for the Daily Express.

Jan Jung on Sitcom Writing

How do I turn ideas into script?

 

If you have an idea, ask yourself where the idea originates. What is your starting point? Is it a character, is it a funny situation, or is it an idea of a setting? Don’t start with a script, but write down as many ideas you can about it. Remember, the characters are the most important thing to develop – if you don’t have good characters, you done have anything. So, if your setting is your beginning, then begin to think about who can populate it. Who is your protagonist who we root for, who’s dreams we follow? Why doesn’t it work – who is also put there to make life difficult for this person? Where does the comedy come from?

To start, write a few sketches between the characters. How would they act and speak to each other – develop their back-story as much as you can. Think about areas they don’t want to talk about, their flaws and what ultimately makes them likeable? Not necessarily, how nice they are, but what makes us like them. For example, Alan Partridge is an obnoxious person, but we love him because we know he knows has a lot of short comings. When he’s alone we see how horrible he feels about himself, but when he’s confronted with someone he takes on the role of a broadcaster and of someone who is on top of it all. His PA is the complete opposite of him and between the two of them, we can see who he is because she doesn’t need to say anything, its just the way she is – she gives us the image of him.

Mould and define your characters. Get the contrasts out. If you have two characters the same, nothing will come out of it. You can only get the bad side out of a character by exposing it to another character who is the exact opposite. When you have this, then you can define your storyline and your pilot script then begin on your dialogue and put it all together.

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